A Poignant Tension: Longing and Persevering

This isn’t an essay about living life to the fullest while you’re single. Or about how to become the best version of you until you meet your person. This is about the simple yet complex reality of how confusing and sometimes discouraging seasons can be when you’re desiring the next chapter to unfold.

I have been told over the last 5 years that the solution to my waiting season is exactly what I started this essay with: live your life to the fullest and become the best “you.” After I turned 30 I started questioning this advice. I started to think.. but what if I am living my best life? And I want to share that with someone?

As women (especially Christian women), I think it’s really hard to even say a statement like this out loud. I’ll be honest, I deleted the sentence a few times before I had the courage to keep it in. We fear being seen as cocky or intimidating. But what if it was ok to let ourselves humbly admit that for some people…. we are currently living a pretty wonderful life.

I feel beyond blessed (I don’t use this word lightly) that the life I live is so rich and so full. I am not really lacking any essential needs, I absolutely love my career and find purpose in what I do and what I feel called to. I have an amazing family. I do things for me. I have my finances on lock. And I’m really fun (ask my friends). No, this isn’t me bragging or trying to sell myself. This is me basking in gratitude for some BIG things that I do not take lightly at all. There’s a big mix of hard work, God’s favor, and sheer privilege that make up my current context.

There is something beautiful about independence and girl power — but there’s also something beautiful about a partnership where you’re running together. Personally, I view marriage as one of the most serious and important decisions we could ever make based on the words of Jesus. Something I am constantly praying about more than just my “list of qualities” in a man is praying through this conviction I hold that: when I am married, my sanctification process (my daily drive towards becoming holier like Jesus) will actually be more of a dual sanctification process. It will be a joint effort on both sides to pursue the Lord and glorify Him through our covenant of marriage. That’s a big deal. It makes marriage more than just beating loneliness or having that companion (both great too) — but it’s a truly spiritual, weighty new reality. Hence why I don’t want to just settle.

I recently visited a friend’s church and the pastor preached an awesome message to marrieds and singles. As I was leaving though, I had to tell him that I honestly felt like I left wanting more. As a Christian woman pursuing and passionate about running after the Lord (which encompasses MANY of the single women in my own church), I felt like the message didn’t have that next step for us as we wait.

And he laughed and said, “Yeah, this message isn’t for you. I’m honestly not sure because you’re in the hardest place. You are running hard and you’re just waiting. I need to sit with that.” It wasn’t the answer I wanted from a pastor, but it was real. It’s the same thing I’m wrestling with as a I counsel women in the same season. I am learning that so much of life is living in this poignant tension: longing paired with perseverance and hope.

A few weeks ago I had a low slump and I laid in my friend’s lap at work and cried my eyes out for a few minutes (which helped). God used her words powerfully to restore truth and vision to my despondent self. She told me that she loves seeing my endurance and faith during this season. To which I looked at her in shock because I felt none of those things. She said that if I were weak or in despair, I would have given up by now. I would have settled — or even worse, walked away from my hope. It hadn’t clicked for me that remaining in Jesus; even through the emotional moments shows steadfastness and resolve.

I wish this could tell you that this essay includes a guarantee of a neatly tied bow of practical solutions; perhaps a three-point application, or sticky statement. I have none of that to offer. All I do have is a genuine desire to be transparent with my journey. So I leave you with a new revelation I am clinging to now:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” (Hebrews 12:1)

It’s funny how a verse that we have memorized for a decade can suddenly take on new life and jump out at us with new meaning and power..

This type of endurance tangibly lived out can look like having those deep longings for companionship, the meet-cute, being wanted, finally not feeling like you have to make every decision on your own — AND trusting that there is purpose in your story in the here and now. I know that sounds really cliche, but I write it because I am living it. And for every roller coaster dip I experience, in return God surprises me with simple delights. Running into an old friend and seeing her tear up as we reunite, being encouraged in my pastoral calling by the most unexpected person, or being reminded: “you know better than to believe that” communicated in the most tough-love-but-perfect way for me to receive when I go down the web of lies about God’s silence.

For so long I thought that I was being tested or something. That I was in this video game of “becoming the best version of me” and it wouldn’t be until I reached Level X that I would finally get my perfect match from God. And then I looked at over half the couples around me who all got married a decade ago and will humbly admit they were not at their best when they got married. It’s time we let go of the pressure and let ourselves off the hook. It’s time we stopped grasping at bad theology and looking to Jesus.

We can and should absolutely continue to pursue growth as disciples of Jesus in the waiting.

We can and should live life to the fullest every day because this current moment is really all that’s guaranteed.

And if you’re doing both of those, amazing.

You still have permission to sit in the longing.

Clinging to Jesus about this topic has been one of the hardest things I have done in my life because of how silent and dejecting it’s been. In my lowest moments, it’s been hard not to feel jealous or forgotten, especially when I am exposed to the highlight reel of favor in my friends’ lives who seem to have it all. And they don’t always have answers for me. I don’t have answers for me. Let’s be real, sometimes I’m just sad that I don’t have a plus one to the next wedding or being petty because I really want to go on a couples trip with my besties.

What I do know is this: there is beauty to be found in the tension of longing and persevering.

As I live here, I am met with unexpected peace. Sometimes it’s through this physical sensation of calm, or through my friend’s toddler saying he loves me and hugging me. Sometimes it’s through a deep belly laugh and sometimes it’s through a meal shared with soul friends. Sometimes it’s through seeing the fruit of ministry blossom in ways I didn’t expect and mostly.. it’s through taking every part of my heart and mind to Jesus and surrendering it all, trusting however it all unfolds, He is good and wants good for me. “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living” Psalm 27:13.