How Your Blatant Disregard for COVID-19 HasViolated Me
I was reluctant to share this experience but my brother encouraged me to write about it in hopes it brings perspective and awareness to our society. So here goes!
I don’t think I’ve ever fully grasped the weight of what having my personal space respected means until it was infringed upon last night.
I know what you’re thinking: another COVID post? In a world that has politicized a pandemic and become more divided than ever on the safety measures that should (or should not) be taken to stay healthy, I am well aware that this is — sadly — a divisive topic. We are all navigating stormy waters and with that come varying opinions and judgments. What cannot be argued is the value that should be placed on protecting our neighbor’s life (especially when we now hold responsibility in bearing that burden).
I’d like to start this article with one thing: regardless of what your “opinion” on COVID is, when a woman asks you to give them space and step back, don’t roll your eyes and continue to infringe upon their personal space.
Now, here’s where I land on the “COVID spectrum.” Well, for one thing: I don’t want to get sick. I know that statistically speaking, for someone my age (30) with no underlying health conditions, the chances of me dying are very low. That being said, do I want to get sick (or be asymptomatic) and pass it on to anyone else who might be more sensitive? Absolutely not. To me the risk is not worth the pain that this illness can and has caused to the families and friends of the 200,000+ beautiful people who have died in the US — not to mention almost one million worldwide. Through my network of friends, I know of four people who have died of this virus; some of whom had no pre-existing conditions, including a 28-year old man who died of a heart attack because of the way the virus effected his pulmonary system.
I live with my immediate family: two parents who are 60 or older (my father has diabetes) and my younger brother. Since March, our safety precaution has been to quarantine in our hometown, the Bay Area. I am a major extrovert yet this pandemic has put that desire on pause, in lieu of allowing wisdom and precaution to take precedence. With the friends or co-workers I do feel comfortable seeing, I only see them outdoors and socially distanced. Masks are worn constantly except for eating (ensuring we are 6–8 feet apart at all times). I have 2–3 closer family friends who I consider more of my consistent bubble who I sometimes see indoors but very rarely and that’s always still distanced and masked if it comes down to it. The best way I can sum it up: I need to have complete control over the social environments I agree to, and that’s just the reality of this season for me if I am going to be with people.
I have dined outdoors 5 times total in the last seven months, which started in mid-August. Those occasions have been either with my family or with one of my best friends. She and I have a pretty solid system down pact. She lives alone, works from home, and gets COVID tested weekly so we see one another a few times a month and have eaten together. I share all this to again give you fair details into the measures I feel comfortable taking in socializing during the pandemic. Now let’s get to the story.
Last night this friend and I decided to get dinner in SF. There are several streets in the Marina that have been completely closed off to drivers to allow for outdoor seating, parklet-style. We have gotten brunch before without any issues and always felt safe (but honestly, dining out isn’t something I jump at these days as I am more comfortable with takeout). Anyway, when we got to the restaurant, I noticed that it was packed. Makes sense, Friday night. Internally, I felt my heartbeat increase and a bit of anxiety over the crowd. It’s wild how psychologically our brains have readapted to the reality we’re in and what being in a crowd does to you internally.
When we were seated (towards the end of the seating area, very much so into the street; not the sidewalk), we were given a wine barrel as our table. I never would have been prepared enough for the experience that took place during our dinner after that.
Act 1:
The best way I can describe it: picture New Orleans Spring Break. The streets packed, people crowding around, making their way through the neighborhood because it’s closed off to cars. My friend and I were initially approached by a group of 4 men because they had a cute dog. As my friend adorably played with the dog, I was shocked that most of them were not wearing masks and getting closer to us. I asked one of them to wear his mask and I sensed his annoyance in my request as he put his mask on. When I noticed that they were pretty much there to stay, I began to get extremely anxious over how close they were to us. They were literally congregating at our wine barrel. What happened to the 2 simple guidelines we’re asked to follow with maintaining social distance and masks?! I didn’t know what else to do so I got up and stood away from the barrel for a few minutes, pretending to be on my phone. I then proceeded to call my brother so I walked away, vented to him, and took a little trip to the ladies room. He encouraged me to be more bold in telling them I felt uncomfortable. I hate myself for saying this, but the shame I felt in what they might think, deeming me as a “bitch” or “party pooper” was dangling at top of mind.
Act 2:
When I got back to our table, the guys were gone and we began to eat our dinner in peace. We both just wanted to forget what happened and enjoy our quality time. Enter next Marina bro. From the corner of my eye I see this guy walking down the street and he stops and stares at us. As I see him walking over I cringe. Here we go again. He walks up to us (no mask) and says hi. I asked him (boldly this time), “Can you put your mask on please?” and he looks at me, rolls his eyes, and says: “Why? You’re not wearing yours.” …. Are you serious right now? We turn to him and say, “YES bro, we’re eating right now.. you came up to us and interrupted our dinner.” He then hits on my friend (who wouldn’t, she is gorgeous) and we end the conversation. Back to eating my lobster mac&cheese.
Act 3:
About 15 minutes later, my girl friend leaves to go to the restroom and I’m sitting at the barrel alone. The guy at the table behind me gets my attention and tells me that he likes my shoes. He’s wearing a mask. I never thought that would up my attraction to the opposite sex but that’s where we’re at. We chat for a little (he’s 6 feet apart the whole time), he hits on me, and honestly if I wasn’t so dumbfounded at the experiences that took place before, I would have been more engaged in chatting with him. He was considerate enough to ask me if I was ok with him removing his mask for a second to sip his wine. I obliged and again, was refreshed with his decency in what I thought was common courtesy in protecting someone’s personal space.
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The blatant disregard we experienced was an extreme violation of my space. I went home feeling a pit of anxiety and simply that: being violated. We are living in a pandemic and with that comes the need to change behavior. These men had a total disregard for the behavior change needed at a time like this. For all the people who argue that “wearing a mask is in infringement of their personal rights” — I’d counter that and say that your failure to wear a mask is violating my safety and could potentially endanger my life entirely.
As of this moment, COVID is the 3rd leading cause of death in the USA, trailing right behind cancer and heart disease. Let that sink in. This is a disease that we didn’t even have on our radar a year ago. The deaths by COVID are more than World War I, Korea, Vietnam and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Combined.
Two takeaways for two distinct groups of people reading this:
- To the people out there who live with disregard, apathy, and entitlement when it comes to your neighbor and COVID-19… would you pay attention? Would you respect the other’s space? Instead of judging them, making fun of them, or shaming them, would you love them? Would you wear a mask and adhere to the simple steps we can take to protect one another’s lives? Even if you’re still in the camp that thinks this is a hoax (*I can’t even begin to address the lunacy here*), practice selflessness and emotional intelligence. Simply put: adhere to the guidelines in place. Bonus tip: ask the people specifically: “what are your boundaries so I can ensure not to invade your space and make you feel safe?”
- To myself and the others reading this who are recovering people pleasers… would you practice boldness? I am not letting myself off the hook here. There is a major lesson I am taking away. Would you believe so strongly in the convictions you hold that you’d be open in doing what you can to keep yourself safe? Even if that means suffering judgment, insult, or being shamed. Instead of putting up with these men interrupting our dinner, spitting air in my face, and forcing ME to get up out of my seat and leave my table, I needed to speak up. I’ve been struggling a lot with how I see this issue in such a black and white lens; while others veer into shades of grey. I also need to avoid judgment and do what I can to keep myself safe and honored, first and foremost. All the while simultaneously upholding others to their responsibility as American citizens to care and protect their neighbor.
One final practical lesson for me? I now know I will not be dining in crowded spaces, especially at night in a city that turns into more of that “mingle/linger/ bar scene.” That was a great reality check for my friend and I last night. And for that, I am so thankful for this experience to know that that’s something outside my comfort zone and I can rest with zero FOMO off that.
We need to do better. It starts with you and me.
