Run to the Middle of My Frustrated Fears
This past week a friend of mine and I were reminiscing about the music we grew up with — namely No Doubt and P!nk. She’s been doing a different blog post about her favorite No Doubt songs all month leading up to Valentine’s Day and so of course this sparked a ton of insightful conversation on these powerhouse artists and their lyrical prowess. (Take a peek at Gabriela’s blog here for more).
It was wild to think about the depth of the lyrics of songs like “Don’t Speak” or “Spiderwebs” and how back then I definitely did not understand the intended meaning like I do now. And in fact, I can appreciate them more than ever now because I’ve lived more life.
It got me thinking back to one of my all-time favorite songs: P!nk’s “Just Like a Pill.” You know how there are some songs that bring up extremely vivid memories? This is that song for me. To this day, every time I hear it I am transported back to this moment I had as a 13 year old girl, driving home with my parents after a weekend at church camp, staring out the backseat window with all my teen pensiveness and angst listening to this on my Discman.
There was something about the way the chorus hits that just got me. Even now, it’s that one song that I’ll sometimes blast in my car when I’m driving by myself and I will literally belt it out like no one’s watching.
I was thinking about it recently and why it’s resonated so deeply with me over half my life and I realized it’s the element of seeking freedom.
In the song, P!nk illustrates the effects of a relationship gone sour with the metaphor of a pill — and the mind-numbing side effects that come with it. Obviously for me as a young teen, I hadn’t been through heartache or any ex-boyfriends to compare this to (thank God) but the concept of breaking free from the control of life-sucking pills in my life was exactly what I was seeking.
It clicked for me… even now, the lyrics hit the same way because the “pills” remain the same for me at 13 vs. 31. Sure, as a Jr High girl that included a whole slew of specific things (and it has to be even worse for Gen Z teens today) but even now, that list is rather similar:
Approval. Likes. Power. Money. Being in control. People-pleasing. Image.
What other pills are we mindlessly ingesting in hopes of feeling good, covering up the “yuck”, and feeding our ego?
All of which come with a guaranteed high and rush of immediate serotonin.
“I thought it would be fun”
And then the inevitable crash.
“I think I took too much // I’m crying here, what have you done?”
Yet we continue the cycle because the initial hit is so addicting. We think that it’ll solve all our loneliness, emptiness, and despair.
But as P!nk beautifully writes, “…There’s a shortage in the switch” // “Instead of makin’ me better // You keep makin’ me ill.”
Around the same time I started listening to this song on repeat, I had cut out a photo of a girl running through a field of flowers and collaged it onto my teen Bible (a very 00’s thing to do). That image of running free was always my deepest desire. Years later, a close friend (and extremely talented artist) painted a canvas for me inspired by that photo on my Bible — you can see it above.
That desire to run free remains a consistent theme in my life. It wasn’t until later in life where I realized the nuance in her lyrics: sometimes the only way to finally find freedom is to sit in the mess. To come undone. To find yourself beautifully broken in the middle of all the fear and frustration. To not hide behind the mirages created by pills or own “fig leaves” we sew on to cover our same. True freedom isn’t running away in that field. It’s being vulnerable and coming to the end of yourself. True freedom is being found.
