Secretly Thriving in a Pandemic and Ashamed to Admit It

By Daniel Kunkel and Naseem Khalili

Every morning I (Daniel) wake up and read the New York Times. I skim across headlines that tell stories of rising unemployment rates, more death, cities on their last leg, and healthcare workers continuing to risk their lives. The news informs me of a world just moments away from destruction and yet, I am doing well. As I read these headlines, I feel like the world’s worst double agent; I am doing great in the middle of the pandemic but no one must find out. I feel guilty, I am able to work from home and my loved ones are healthy and safe, for now. If people were to discover my true identity they would assume I am insensitive or ignorant to the pain of others. So I have kept quiet. But, I know that I am not alone in my fear. Over a call, Naseem and I whispered as we shared with each other the realties of our lives — we are thriving and ashamed of it.

When shelter-in-place first began, I first realized that all of the rhythms that I indulge in to make myself feel safe were confiscated. I love going to coffee shops and restaurants to feel like I am a part of the “in” crowd. I love going to the gym to feel good at something. I enjoy walking around the college campus and counting how many people I know. On a normal work day I enjoyed getting lots of texts and emails because it reminded me that I am needed. All of these rhythms make me feel safe and worthy. Now, these privileges and notifications have vanished. I no longer have access to these places and feelings. Sheltering in place has forced me to sit with the reality that my life is an endless pursuit of needing to feel important, and what I have learned is, I am not. I began to look at the real me, stripped of any status or importance, and see the person God is really in love with, a ragamuffin.

My Status with People and Screens

With no meeting to run to and a near-empty inbox, I am now literally nonessential. I began to wrestle with my ambitions of what I should do in this dark season. In the first few days of shelter in place I picked up Andy Crouch’s The Tech Wise Family, and I was challenged by the book in regards to my relationship to technology. I began to rethink many of my rhythms and dependencies I have on my gadgets and buttons that give me temporary satisfaction. Even as I write this, I am wearing my watch which can do much more than tell time, typing on an Apple Computer that is feeding off of WiFi, my office light and heater is on, and even my coffee mug next to me has an electric heater. All of this technology gives me a sense of control again, it allows me to take a bite of the forbidden fruit one click at a time. After reading Crouch’s book, I decided to make some changes. I now start and end each day by having my phone off for an hour. On Saturdays we now keep our phones completely off for the whole day. I decided I wanted to shelter in peace and quiet, not in consumption.

These small changes mixed with the inability to go out has given me space in my life to create, concentrate, and connect. I now spend more time cooking and writing. This allows me to engage with the God-given artistic side of myself that I often neglect for the art of a good email. I now read and think longer and deeper, a monastic principle that I normally don’t have the mental capacity to handle. My relationships with my family and neighbors have been more intentional, as there is a new sense of togetherness in this time of crisis. These new rhythms don’t make me feel safe or important, they make me feel whole. My inbox and favorite coffee shops are empty but I have never been this full. The first moments of sheltering in place were painful, but with each day God has stripped me of my idols and set me free from the need to perform.

Sheltering in place has stripped me of my false self, it hurts, but I have been liberated. COVID-19 has taught me that I desire a great life but that my ways of pursuing it get lost in status, control, and power. As my friend Chris Nye says, “we all want a great life — the kind of life that could last forever. This is why Jesus came saying, ‘I came to give you life and life abundant.’” I never needed a full inbox and coffee shops to make me feel like I have a great life. But in my home, alone and sheltered, I find my refuge in Jesus. In his death he has given me life and life that is abundant.

Hear Me Out…

Before you dive any further into this read, I think a few disclaimers are in order. This blog post is in no way intended to make light of the COVID season, of all the lives that have been affected, and of all the chaos that ensues for people across the globe. I (Naseem) find myself in a uniquely awkward position because to be quite candid, I too, like Daniel, have loved the quarantine season. I recognize that so much of this reality is due to my current season of life. For instance, I do not have children to care for, nor am I the sole health provider for my family. I’m not working on the frontlines, nor do I have to report in person to my place of work. I’m not sheltering in isolation, but blessed to be with my immediate family who are all in great health.

That being said, it is my hope that that the heart of this post would be something anyone can wrestle with and consider.

Detoxing From Hevel

Let’s rewind 6 weeks. When shelter in place was mandated (I can’t believe I’m admitting this), there was a part of me that was excited. A forced “shut-down” where we’re stuck at home? Sign me up. I don’t know what it is but I think there’s something in me that had been ticking in frustration at the amount of idle stimulation in our lives that distracts us from what actually matters.

The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible is profoundly relevant when it comes to matters such as this. In studying it, we’re introduced to the Hebrew word “hevel” which literally means smoke. The writer speaks of the “hevel” that we chase after in life — achievement, recognition, popularity, “likes”, the pursuit of more — and how it’s all a mere mirage that never satisfies. What a beautiful parallel to the reality we as Americans are living in.

Before this, I was filling up my social calendar with an engagement almost every night. I was driven by this desire to dine at all the new spots (I’m a foodie, ok?), to plan my next trip, and constantly busy myself with working longer hours than I should. Partially to satisfy my own desire for achievement (blame it on my Enneagram wing 3) and partially to impress others (yup, said it). And then it all suddenly got turned upside down. It’s like someone flicked the switch to “OFF” on our regularly scheduled programming. And it was the best thing to ever happen.

Leading into week one of shelter-in-place I experienced my first breakup from a long-term relationship. Guessing you weren’t expecting that sentence to come after the last, right? I share this to provide context that I’m not just living as an eternal optimist who sees things through rose-colored glasses. Yet, being the realist that I am, I’ve shifted my perspective.

See we can’t just expect God to end this — or any suffering — with the snap of His fingers (although He could). Instead, He invites us to lean in.

I’ve been feeling every emotion under the sun (as I am sure you have too). I’ve been telling friends who ask, “how are you” to please specify because that question sometimes changes on an hourly basis. Why? Because of the countless losses, stressors, anxieties, and emotions we are all facing during this season. And yet, I’m left with this burning desire to seek after what God wants to show me.

Dave Lomas, a pastor in San Francisco, refers to this season as a much-needed “detox from spending our days so preoccupied, so compulsive, and so driven.” Millions around the country are now forced to strip down to bare bones. The raw, exposed self is all we have left to be. The question is: is that enough?

That challenging question is what’s driven me during this time. What a gift to have the time to consider and process the core of our identity.

I’ve loved sitting with every piece of me and getting to know this stripped down, domesticated version of Naseem.

I’ve collapsed into the arms of my Heavenly Father who loves and cares deeply for me.

Friend, we can withstand any storm because of the Lord’s providence and grace. Through the heartbreak, through the fear, through the chaos of what you’re living right now, He remains the same. And His promises are absolute truths we can bank on.

“I will make a pathway in the wilderness, I will create rivers in a dry wasteland.” (Is. 43:19).

This season of detox has led me to realize with humility that shockingly, yes: my life is enough as is, because Jesus is my life.

More about my friend Daniel:

Daniel Kunkel is the kind of guy who literally does it all, while subconsciously challenging you to do the same with his contagious tenacity. He is currently an intern with Cru and the host of the Everything in Between Podcast. Simply put, everything Daniel touches turns to gold. He inspires me and I’m honored he calls me friend. Read more of his reading on Medium. Follow him here.