Sunshine After the Rain
Do you ever look back on your life and desperately miss a certain season? Maybe it was a milestone you hit during that time, a relationship that stands out, or maybe it was simply a season where you were just “feelin’ yourself” (like the great Mac Dre famously said). It’s hard to bridle that desire to reach out and grasp for those moments that have passed us by.
Being a super nostalgic person, that’s always been my M.O. — in fact some might say I live with one foot always stuck in the past. It’s actually been something I’ve pushed myself to work on over the years because that form of yearning for what once was has led to spouts of depression in my teens and early 20s. But that’s a different topic for another piece.
Today I’m here to tell you about my friend Alicia Filomena Cota.
As I just wrote her name out, tears started flowing and I realized I haven’t written out her full name in a few years. The purpose of this piece is to simply remember someone who has significantly impacted my life. It’s not only therapeutic for me to do this on the anniversary of her passing but my hope is that this encourages you today with a challenge. To begin a dialogue of reminiscing on the past. Whether it’s about a certain point in your life, someone you’ve lost, or someone still in your life.
Reminiscing is a medium we can use to bring meaning to our memories. This isn’t just advice — this actually works.
Psychologists have coined the term, “reminisce therapy” and it dates back to the 1960's. This form of therapy is used in practice amongst numerous populations, but specifically with elderly folks. The act of reminiscing exercises brain muscles in a unique way, often triggered by stimulating one of our 5 senses along with talking about the memory. Ever wonder why a certain scent takes you back to a pivotal moment? Or why looking at that old journal reminds you of the challenges of that season? Our senses work together to stimulate our brain into recalling; which in turn has led to increased feelings of self-worth, improved communication with the listener, and even a deeper appreciation for life. It’s fascinating. With that, it’s my turn to take a trip down memory lane.
Alicia was that person who entered my life and we immediately CLICKED. We meshed like a good, old PB&J (and you best know that’s high praise in my world). She was that person who understood every idiosyncrasy and was as obsessed with the same random things that I was.
Something I loved most about our friendship is the season of life we met. I met her when I was about to graduate college at 21 years old. She left this world when I was 26 (4 years ago today). In those five, short but sweet years of friendship, here are some of the life lessons she taught me that not only deeply impacted my early 20’s, but are lessons I will go on to teach my children one day as well:
1. Do what you gotta do to make your dream a reality.
Alicia always pushed me. Not in an annoying way, but in a way where she’d probe me with her questions to arrive at my own realizations. I remember telling her my dream was to move to the “big city” (SF) and find a job there. Her reply the first time I told her that was: “Yeah, so do it!” with her signature chortle. She made me realize that making certain dreams don’t have to remain dreams. You just need the confidence in yourself to move forward with chasing it.
2. Fall in love — with music.
Alicia and I were twin souls when it came to our music taste. I remember I had just moved to SF (see, I did make my dream come true) as a bright eyed, bushy-tailed 23-year-old with my first “big girl job” at a tech start-up. She took me under her wing and made the city light up before me.
We’d go out on random weeknights to every hole in the wall venue you could think of. I’d like to take credit right here and now — we went to see a number of artists at their first ever concerts before they were even remotely famous. (Yes: I am taking a moment of pride, let me have my moment). Disclosure, Jessie Ware, AlunaGeorge, Shlomo, Poolside, Twin Shadow… The list goes on. I can’t even begin to recall the number of shows we went to see together.
Any time I listen to that collection of artists from that era of my life, I think of her. The sounds take me back to my early 20's… the drive, the motivation, the angst, the dramatics of it all. Nothing like it.
3. If you want to do something, don’t wait for others. Do it. Even if that means doing it alone.
Go see that show, buy tickets to that musical, go to the drive-in. And if no one’s down, go by yourself.
I remember wanting to see BANKS back in 2014 and had no one to go with. She encouraged me to go alone and I can’t believe I did it, but I did… The best was an hour before the show too she texted me that she found out a friend was also going, so naturally she connected us. That was who she was.
4. Let yourself be spontaneous.
Alicia was that friend who was always down. She was IN. One of my favorite parts of our friendship was our constant banter on Facebook (back when it was actually popular to post on “walls”; you know?).
My job at the time was creating content that constituted of fun things to do in your city. One day I did a write up about a bunny petting zoo outside Dandelion Chocolate in the Mission; only in SF. I have the screenshot below of our exchange:
And the next day she’d just zoom over on her cherry red scooter and meet me for our next adventure. Then she’d give me a ride back home on said scooter, which was such a sight to be seen. We’d laugh so hard scooting through Pac Heights because we’d be freezing; never bundled up enough and the city winds would hit us hard.
5. Be quick to listen. Be slow to speak.
Our bond was so reciprocal. We’d take turns venting, we’d hear one another out. We’d support each other like sisters. She’d actually pause before she replied to me. Sometimes she’d recite what I had just said to make sure she heard me for what I meant to say. She’d pick up on the underlying meaning. Never a hint of judgement in her.
6. Love yourself. Hard.
The final lesson I want to share comes out of another favorite memory of Alicia. I remember she bought HERSELF a bouquet and had it delivered to her office. The note to herself (from herself) said: “cuz I think you’re a badass chick.” Boom. The confidence she imparted in the way she lived forever sticks with me.
I don’t have a nice bow to tie this one up with, friends. Losing a friend to suicide will always be one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life and one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. It’s been 4 years and I’m still as confused about certain things as I was on that day. Time helps — a little — but it doesn’t get rid of the yearning for those moments. I miss my friend. But I can say that wow… I am beyond thankful for the season we shared. The fact that God sent me this friend during such a pivotal in my life where I was growing and learning to blossom as a young woman. She was THE friend I needed.
She became a confidante, sister, hype woman, and the boost of sunshine we all hope to receive in life. The kind of sunshine that suddenly brightens the sky after it’s raining.
Obviously can’t go back but I hold onto these moments now with more of an open hand instead of a tight grip. They can’t be taken away from me. Instead, I live in gratitude of the light that poured through our friendship and the beauty in knowing she leaves behind a legacy we can continue to share.
Love you forever sweet angel. Thank you for being one in a million in my life.
